I have reached a new low in life with ME. I call it: The Wall of Nope.
The Wall of Nope is not a physical crash. It’s an inability to deal with obligations and necessary things.
Here’s an example: I’m talking to a friend on the phone, and another call beeps in. I check the voicemail after finishing my call and even though I physically have the energy to return the call, I suddenly hit the Wall of Nope and don’t do it.
On another day, I don’t use my computer, which usually means I can make a simple dinner. But when I walk into the kitchen, I feel an intense desire to never cook again as long as I live.
Reply to an email? Order groceries? Read the news? Check Twitter? Put away clean laundry? Pay a bill? Do something big? Do something small? Nope. Nope. NOPE.
The physical limitations of ME can certainly contribute to hitting the Wall of Nope. But the Wall of Nope is really more of an emotional experience. Or a motivational experience, as in: I have none left.
That is what is new about this. I hit plenty of walls with ME, repeatedly and regularly. But the Wall of Nope is the point where I have lost all capacity for motivation. I’ve never experienced this before. I have always, throughout my life, been able to summon the will and motivation to keep going, to try again, to try differently. If someone needed me, I could dig deep and at least lend an ear. I wanted to be the kind of person who does that. I wanted to be the kind of person who has a tidy house, fulfills social obligations, and stays on top of paperwork.
Nope. Not anymore. Maybe it’s because I have so much to deal with now that I have reached the point where I can’t. And before anyone asks, I know it’s not depression because I have plenty of motivation to do things like practice cello or knit. I will gladly listen to the Elgar Cello Concerto for the eleventybillionth time. Or sit and drink a cup of coffee with enthusiasm until the cows come home.
But for everything else, there is just a point at which I can. not. deal. The errand that needs running? The food that needs cooking? The ringing phone? The advocacy project that needs analysis? Anything beyond the Wall of Nope is just too bad because I can no longer force myself to do the necessary or responsible thing.